Ophelia Crane

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To My Pet Hulk

Posted by Lokispark Publications on October 14, 2016 at 11:45 PM

Dear H,

We need to talk. Seriously.

First, let me just say that I don’t have a problem with you. Personally, I’ve always liked having you around. When you’re on deck, you let everyone know how strong I really am. You see, there is this idea that a person who doesn’t brag about their prowess or who is soft spoken and reserved is somehow weaker than the rest of the pack. When the empty cans find themselves posting up to me as if I would run screaming in the night from their loud posturing, you have always let them know who in the fuck they are dealing with in no uncertain terms. You roar and the jungle knows to back.the.fuck.up. In that, Dear H, you have always been my protector. You’ve always looked out for me.

That being said, there is a time and a place for you to show out and I don’t think you’ve ever got a handle on when that is exactly. You don’t care about my job or if anyone is staring. You don’t care who is in your way be them family, friends, even small animals...even large animals. You could give two shits about my personal belongings - particularly the items that shatter loudly. Broken bones and lawsuits are of little concern and so are police officers and while you have yet to break any laws, I worry about spending the rest of my life in jail because I could not get your under control in time.

And here’s the thing. Fundamentally, I don’t mind your antics. Sometimes, people go too far in what they say or what they do. Sometimes, certain people really need to know where your line is so that they don’t ever cross it again. I accept that you are inside me for a very important reason. Should real shit pop off, I have no doubt that I will walk away leaving a trail of devastation in my wake. You will carry me when I need to survive against an insurmountable threat to myself or my family. When you are at the helm, I am a storm in a raging sea. I will destroy entire civilizations with a wave of my hand. I am the kind of natural disaster that history books still write about thousands of years later.

But there’s a time and a place for all that and the bottom line is that you don’t seem to know that.
And I know it’s hard - particularly right now. The climate in our world has changed a lot of people. People who used to be relatively kind and civilized are now rude and angry. Years and years of unresolved issues amongst so many groups of people are now bubbling over and invading everything all around us. You know as well as I do that those people are coming for us on a daily basis. I get it.

But you need to stop. Seriously, before somebody gets hurt. Now, I know I can’t really stop you once you get going. Trying to tell a pet hulk to chill once you’ve got your “Hulk Smash” thing on is quite ill advised and for me...well, I’m pretty powerless once you decide to push me out of the way and take over.

So, what I’m proposing is that we get a nice cage for you. Now, wait, I know how that sounds, but think of it more like that reinforced cabin in Agents of Shield instead of a cage, per se. We can outfit it with a king size bed...or whatever is above a king size for those really hard days...like maybe a God size bed or something. We can outfit it with a video game system and a big screen tv with Netflix, maybe a little porn, even. Hey, it’s Red Wings season. Wouldn’t you rather lay back and watch the Wings rather than bash someone’s face in?

Now, I can’t promise that the cage will hold you forever. I imagine the walls will get worn out and the door hinges might get rusty allowing you to bust out on occasion, but I promise you that I will try to keep the cage in good shape so those break-outs are occasional at best. I’ll find better outlets for you too so that you won’t go stir crazy. Maybe we can take up kickboxing or watch horror movies together? Or maybe we can get constructive and take up skeet shooting or increase our writing workload or work out more than once a week?

Listen, in all honesty, I want to work this out. You’ve been a part of me since I was born and I imagine we'll be together until I die. Just understand that I have to function in our semi-civilized society on a daily basis. I have to keep a job and keep social services from taking my kids away and keep myself out of an orange jumpsuit. I want to live a healthy and happy life with you, okay? Say you’ll think about it, at least. In the meantime, what do you say we pop some bubble wrap to take the edge off? It’s not breaking windows with a bat, sure, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers right?

You’re ever-present alter ego












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